AMY

A few weeks ago when I saw Sam Smith perform "Tears Dry on Their Own" at Outside Lands, it reminded me of how many hours and on several drives I listened to "Back to Black". So over the weekend I was hella excited to watch "Amy", a moving heartbreaking insight of the singer's life. The accounts from family & friends reveal the tragedies and her non-sobering coping solutions when dealing with fishbowl fame and male disappointments & opportunists. She once kicked it with Mos Def and asked if he mind that she got high in which he responded, "Amy, I don't mind you getting high, but I mind you getting high". Its just too bad that shady males took advantage of Amy's desire for a loving father daughter and inconvenient love, all for money and affording a drug habit. Life can be a such a bitch. 

As she sang her songs during scenes, it showcased pieces of her poetry. When the lyrics flashed on the big screen, it re-stunned me as I heard her unique ability to pen love pains, "All I can ever be to you, is the darkness that we knew, and this regret I've got accustomed to".What a fucking gangsta. So pure and real the emotions she penned. Tony Bennett even mentioned that a real Jazz singer only likes to perform to a small crowd. And from understanding the experiences that Amy faced, that kind of intimate attention catches all the sighs, the woes, the glossy iris, and the sincere vocals. 

Being able to watch "Amy" also reminded me of the same kind of love I have for Aaliyah as August 25th marked her 14 year since her last breath. I LOVE Aaliyah. She was real, polite, humble, herself, and had unique talent. And Amy Winehouse embodied the same traits as an artist too. She didn't sell out her creativity for corporate sponsors, and kept it 100. Like when she was nominated for a Grammy for record of the year against Bey, Jay, RiRi and Justin. She totally clowned when Justin's What Goes Around...Comes Around was announced as a nominee as she mocked, "his record is really named what goes around. 

When the movie ended I thought about her possibilities. If only her father gave a shit about Amy as his daughter and really valued the love she desperately wanted from him. If only her man loved her like the queen she was to him and didn't use her as his financial pusha. And if only Tony Bennett were able to tell when he had the chance that "Amy, you're too important to be doing this stuff", then maybe she could've sang longer in a jazz club "just 'til these tears have dried". 

What Would Yeezus do?

Disclaimer: I don't wanna come across as a hater but at this moment in hip hop's life, Kanye is not my homie...I'm just very fond of twist on names, words, things and concepts so Yeezus is a mere referral to how I'd shout out my highest spiritual peer. 

Since I've referenced Yeezy, I'll also mention that "[I] came from the dirt, I emerged from it all without a stain from my shirt". My hell & back has and always will be the year 2003 when my god died. So as I drive down roads and contemplate which routes I shall pursue, those I love living in the sky ultimately become my guide. May trill by nature lead me to what I deserve which is best understood by The Outlawz: "you either ride with us or collide with us". 

Music Therapy: "They Don't Love You No More" by DJ Khaled- "Should be your favorite, now you're just hatin'. Shit starting to change, you want me to change, nah. They don't love you no more, they don't love you no more." 

11 years later & I still wonder if the World would've been better if you were here. I will forever hate October 19. 

Forever in our hearts, Sok Khak Ung. 

The Pursuit.

This year has been difficult for a lot of people I've been close too and causal with. However, one sad outcome has been the revelation of what it means to be down. I hope within time they will be able to move forward with strength, bravery and soul assurance. I've been there and had done a lot of spring cleaning which reminded me of these quotes, "Never regret the past, the only thing you should regret is the time you wasted with the wrong person" & "less friends, less bullshit. Keep your circle small". Real talk, as the exiters are usually people who aren't able to admit the truth when told all things real or are able to be a real person. And you may be the one showing them the door as a result of their fallacies, delusions, lies, exaggeration, shady characteristics, assumptions, and just plain crazy. These types of folks make u wanna go deaf so u don't have to listen to their irrationalities and selfish NPD conversations. I've dealt with plenty of them. Ughhh. 

Whack weaksauce people annoy me. Don't be Whack. Please. 

I've also learned this year a simple act of humanity. My BFF told me that people will believe whatever they will about you and there's nothing you can do to change that. This helped me see that sometimes you can inspire and prove points and other times you're just fucked. All good, as that's life and it reminds me that you can only just do YOU. 

As another year is ending that's worth reflection, there's always a bad with the good but I keeps my head up and focus on the great memories and people surrounding me. I've got such down ass bitches and wonderful familia. And a husband holds me like my favorite poetic expression, "If I were on the highest cliff on the highest riff, and you slipped off the side and clinched on to your life in my grip, I would never, ever, let you down." Happy New Year and keep the resolutions TRILL. 

The Month of August.

The month of August is not nearly over and yet sooooo much has been poppin in only 15 days for me...Finished an 11 day juice fast, was a part of a grand ass wedding party and celebration of love, party upped for my birthday 2 days in a row following turnin up for my BBF's birthday too and boarded a flight the very next day to Portlandia for a getaway. Wat a month so far & I hope I get to hibernate for a minute. Just lemme debrief the fond memories of my chaotic its a celebration bitches. 

On August 2nd, my love and I drove up to Tahoe to get Michael Jordan ready for our big sista's wedding. My love was the officiant and I was a bridesmaid yet our roles included being aesthetically on point for the bridal party along with keeping shit in harmony, marrying the lovebirds, and supporting anything the soon to be newly weds needed. I wore Jlo hair like the 2013 Golden Globes (google that bitches) while my love was dipped in CK and was ready to bring his Presidential orating game on. Our bridesmaid shoes were sole killas and made all the girls wanna bring bohemian swag back. I did several faces of the bridal party and made sure the bride stayed fly at all times...NO EXCUSES. And even after the champagne stopped bubbling and the sunset and sun rose East behind the mountains of Lake Tahoe, we were the last people to hang around the newlyweds to see them drive away together in honeymoon spirit. Even the Hot August Night cars had departed from that same weekend. Yet, we were just honored to be a part of the message that love will bring people together and nobody can't fuck with it. 

As the "Love takes Time" couple drove away in their stuntin' ruby Jeep, my love and I went to dinner before leaving for SF, which was the perfect way to remember the Tahoe's wedding. While we were waiting in line at the Harrah's buffet, we started talking to an older couple who we learned just got married earlier that day and were celebrating their new lives as one. Their story is simple: husband from Palm Springs was a widower and found a lady on an online dating site from Pennsylvania and clicked with her over multiple communicative means. After 15 months of dating, he said "baby, I got a house in P.S. and you ain't gotta work no more, just come live with me". Soon after they got hitched and we were listening to their happiness after all. From that short moment, my love and I both realized that Love is special, unique, attainable, worth sacrifice, rare, and completes people. It made us more happy for our newly wedded sista and made us thankful and blessed that we are truly in love too. Keep Tahoe a Blue Cupid. 

After such a beautiful feeling from experiencing the unification of love, I felt good about achieving another year. I'm shoe-fresh ta def, happy with the solid gals and homies in my life, and realized that my family are just the best. So since I already have it all, anything extra was just awesome. 

On my actual government bday, I was pretty basic...I ate brunch, went to the gym, and beat my face up with makeup for an evening at Raven Bar which had 90's nite, my favorite era in music. The 90's had Aaliyah, Tupac, Gangsta Ice Cube, 702, and Mo Money, Mo Problems. So dancing against a large screen projector of "Hypnotized" with Versace Versace Versace Versace and yachts was just reminiscently DOPE. 

The next day was perfect too which was my bday celebration with all my gals and homeboys. Still kept it Trill...hotpot and all you can drink beer & sake bombs and a Sunset bar to turn up the rest of the nite. All the people who said they would come thru did and thats the best to ever receive on yo bday, down as folks. Also, gettin boss Chanel presents aren't bad either. The most memorable nite was from 2 of my bestest friends; my girl from 14 years old and my homie from 16 years old. They proved to me how down they were and some. Upon arriving to the bar, my girl informed me that if her baby daddy shows up to the bar as he usually frequents it, she's gonna bounce in which I was mos def cool with. And as that markassfool strolled in, all my girls and myself used our bodies for a makeshift curtain and hurried her ass outta there so she could slide away. However, she came back 5 minutes later and told me that I'm her BFF and she should be able to party with me, regardless if her BD is bitchassness...So she stayed and I love her for that. And even though she had to deal with his deliberate attention seeking, proving that he a boss? and sloppily tryna gain props from other bar patrons, she stayed till it was last call. I'm lucky to have her as my BFF. 

As for my homeboy, I love that fool for life. He's the brother that I always wanted and in addition, my husband and him just vibe. He's our family and always will be my homie forever. As my husband called him when we arrived to the bar, he said sorry that he forgot that it was the nite of my bday and that he'll hang out with me next time. Like Weezy, I ain't go no worries and kept sippin. However in 20 minutes, that fool strolled in all fitted in similar fashionable pieces like me; I was wearing a faux leather overall hi-low dress and a quilted black jacket with Toro J4s...my dawg was wearing a leather snapback and a quilted leather jacket along with the red & black lumberjack ta match. Shit like that makes me feel that I am around people that feel one another on the same wave length. Just awesome. And especially since he had work the next morning, it means a lot that he came through. Turn Up. 

My other homies came through and made the nite crunk and special too as they always are themselves and always have a good positive time. And always my top hoes are always down and alway there...IRREPLACEABLE. 

Although the nite became a game of sippin water on the under and dodging half shots from my boy, it was just one of the best birthdays I had in my life. And what makes it the best is that everyone that celebrated with me that nite has ALWAYS been in my life during my grimy, broke, ratchet days till now. From '94 till infinity. 

My birthday celebration was off the hook and I'm grateful in which my Portlandia trip will be written in a few. For now, I'm still smiling from partying like its my birthday. 

Music Therapy: "Versace Versace" Migos feat. Drake- "I been so quiet, I got the world like “What the fuck is he planning?” Just make sure that you got a back up plan cause that shit might come in handy."

Sky is the Limit.

I'm proud of me. I just completed an 11 day juice cleanse and I'm living to tell about it. 

During the first 4 days of my cleanse I felt the food withdrawals like a chain smoker that can't find a way to light up. I started thinking about any type of food and I would Yelp restaurants to look at food pictures. Sad. I'd also watch Food Network and the Travel Channel food episode while I drank my green juice, in hopes to satisfy my cravings. I didn't feel too hungry as drinking lots of lemon water suppressed my appetite but I fucking felt madd deprived from eating. I blame my peoples in which I love forevers but fucking wanted to kick on the box for eating bomb ass food around me. I even went to a lounge over that weekend and I had to "turn down" both from drank and HYPHYness. Wack. 

After my days in Hell's Kitchen, I started to feel the beneficial effects of juicing. My energy was flowing and was on a daily repeated loop, my skin didn't need to get beat up with pretty making products as it glowed naturally, my mood was a very stable nice bitch IDGAF, and I could see a smaller reflection. But the most meaningful experience overall was that I felt awesome from detoxing and rebooting my body. 

For fools who don't know much about juicing, it's madd simple; you just drink juice. No eating solid foods, just drinking a veggie based juice with a small amount of fruit juice. I drank a recipe of kale and spinach, cucumbers, celery, apples, ginger and added cayenne pepper and coconut water. And a few days I drank a recipe of beets, kale and carrots with the pepper and water added too. And don't forget to binge off of water too. It's a major part of the cleanse. I even did some cardio and still worked 40 hours too along with hitting the weights...but it was a beautiful struggle. 

Although I'm finished, it's just gonna be a break and I'm not gonna take for granted my renewed self. So I'm mos def gonna eat more wiser and I'll even try juicing for maybe 20 days. No promises, just listening to my body's temple.

Thank you to all my friends and family and especially my love who always washed my juicer when I was sick of doing it.

Sippin' on some Kalezurrp.

I've been on my green juice diet for 5 days now and I wanna reflect on my experience. 

The first few days were very kind to me as I felt mellow, energized, and hyped that I'm getting brand new. I woke up and downed a large cup of lemon water to compensate for the Foldgers in my cup and I Zumba'd and did toning exercise afterwards. Then I got ready for grindmode for 8 hours. Surprisingly in 3 days, I had enough energy to exercise and my hunger was unnoticed. However, when shits too good to be true, Hell welcomes you with open arms.

On the 4th and 5th day, I started to miss food. This was triggered by many factors: my nurses daily lunch delivered by a hearty food truck, my Yelp researches for my birthday dinner plans, my Ice Cream Social activity in which I had to serve folks up with sundaes and my Love's natural need to eat a fucking drippy cheesy meaty overstuffed Great Steak sandwich while I had a cold cup of nothing. Luckily, I have wonderful Family & Friends that support my goal by leaving motivational messages as if they were watching me run a marathon. Oh and THANK GOD for Extra Dessert Gum! Root Beer and Mint Chip are my faves.

Six mo' days left of this shit and then I gets to EAT. Luckily it'll be on the day of my Sister's rehearsal for her wedding in Tahoe. Can't wait for her Wedding but more importantly, I can't wait to grub. Just joking fools. Her day is worth Hunger Games. 

Music Therapy: "Sippin on Some Sizzzurp" 3 6 Mafia-"I'm trill working the wheel, a pimp not a simp. Keep the dope fiends higher than the Goodyear Blimp.

We eat so many shrimp, I got iodine poisoning."

Rest in Paradise Pimp C.  

Go Hard or Go Home.

I'm gonna straight up juice starting today until my Sister's wedding (11 days) so take this as a fair warning. Side effects include Captain Bitch, depression, food obsession, zombie mode, hatred for beings that chew food along with friends that post pictures of their food. Imma be the bitch that kills your vibe. 

The longest that I've completed a straight juice fast was 4 days and honestly, I felt a mixture of intense calmness while experiencing an amazing detox that filtered trash from my state of mind. Although these sound positive, I'm madd weary of juicing for over 10 days like an addict feels entering rehab. I'm gonna have to dodge simple pleasures of cold brews, sodium rich carbohydrates, string cheese, and protein errthang. FML. Wish me luck and I'll journalize my experience to help me process my juicing drank in my cup.

Music Therapy: Goapele "Undertow"- "But I'm not ready to go.

About to ride that wave, Got me in your zone. Caught up in that undertow,

Baby you already know,

I know I should leave

But something won't let go."